I want to reach
Today I was told that it is normal at this point in life to go completely and utterly batty. Yes, in fact we are expected at certain points in our life to not make sense to be completely irrational, and to feel as if we are truly on the other side of the looking glass.
Amazingly so, this expectation was supposed to make me feel better about the whole experience. I don’t think anyone realizes that unless you don’t comprehend that you have gone off your rocker, you are going to be fighting to stay firmly seated on its cushion.
Another interesting phenomenon at this juncture in life is that believe it or not everyone has an opinion on how to best fall off your rocker, or what is the most comfortable way to land when you finally hit the ground. Seriously, I did not realize that this could be classified as an Olympic sport upon which the rules change depending on who has condescended to grace you with their divine presence. In all the scores I have received in the last 9 months few if any took into account that gracefully holding on for dear life might constitute a greater effort than simply accepting what is considered to be inevitable. So as you lift your score card today, I realize that my artistry is atrocious, my logic seemingly absurd, and my form leaves much to be desired.
In truth, as I turn away I will take your score into perspective and at least smile in spite of myself. I will not apologize for not answering all your questions, for refusing to tell you that your perspective will become my mantra, nor for falling the only way I know how to.
This is just a warning that you will need to get over it, move on, and realize that you have the very same right to disregard every written word on this page, or whisper that you hear. May you love your own descent one way or the other. I harbor you no ill will nor malice, and thank you for the commentary that makes me at least realize that my rocker still exists whether I am on it or not. Recipe of the day: Gelatin dessert- Open box, boil water combine and stir for a few minutes. Add ice, then let set, or not. This is the one food that I can rely on to not come immediately back up. No matter my state of mind, heart, or physical condition, there truly is always some wiggle room for jello.- March 17 2018.
Looking back, I love this post. It was one of the many days that I just was done caring what other people thought, and was willing to say that I wasn't great at things at the time, but I wasn't about to give up due to some absent criticism.
I have now adopted the saying that we are ALL crazy, it is merely a matter of finding a group that has a crazy that harmonizes with your own.
In the times when we each feel beaten down by the opinions and reactions of others, give yourself a little grace and a lot of space. You may not be what you are hoping for YET, but that doesn't mean ever. It is simply not right now in this circumstance.
If you are wondering on the circumstance of the entry, I had been dealing with extreme pain off and on (mostly on) for months. The mental gymnastics to continue were excruciating, let alone the physical actions of pushing onward.
It is 18 months later, and the pain is gone. My gratitude is boundless. Things that I thought would be forever impossible are now reality. Please if you are doubting where you are, don't give up. It will pass. You are still becoming even if you are doubting the pace, the direction is true.
With all the love I can send you, in every and any circumstance. You are full of light. Even a dim candle fights off the pressing shadows.
Smile and Savour-
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| There is beauty in being carved, by a force greater than yourself. |
